TOO MUCH

How much is too much?

My mother. Her heart literally broke when Daddy passed away. It is sadly touching that his passing caused her healthy heart to suddenly become a diseased one. When you have had a grand love for almost your entire life, the shock of the loss can do wicked things to that vital organ.

Some people never do understand the power of that kind of love.

Example. My father was in Neuro ICU following surgery to stop the bleeding from his ruptured brain aneurysm. He was connected to every kind of machine imaginable. It was too soon to know whether or not he would be able to speak, move, or understand anything. His condition was listed as critical.

The heart monitor was perched above his head. While holding his hand, it was all too easy to find yourself staring at that monitor. Constantly making sure his heart was staying in a comforting rhythm. Of course, it was usually irregular and a source of worry for us. We took turns holding his hand (his right hand was curled up as a result of the bleed, so we usually held his left). The monitor showed the erratic beats of his heart. How hard it was working to function. We all exchanged worried glances during those times. Yet...

Whenever my mother took hold of his hand, we watched the monitor in sheer amazement and wonder as his heart started to slow down and find a steady beat. This happened time and time again.

There was one male nurse who dismissed our belief that Mom had the ability to stabilize his heart. He was a "by the book" kind of person. If it was not a fact in a book, it did not exist. He said it was just a coincidence. I recall taking hold of his arm as he started to walk away, and I basically got in his face and told him that not all that is real is recorded in any damn book. That sometimes things happen because of love. Through love. He said nothing. But, you know? His demeanor changed after that. He became more open, friendlier, and he shared some of his personal life stories...ones that caused him to want to become a nurse. And he ended up being one of our favorite nurses.

Now, Mom is the one with the faltering heart. The heart that is not just hurting because she lost her beloved husband. It is hurting because it is damaged. A valve is and has been leaking since Daddy's death. She has had several hospital trips to have cardioversions (heart shocking) performed. She had a pacemaker implanted. She is taking heart medicine. Yet nothing is working.

She was scheduled to go into the hospital this past Monday to be monitored while being put on a "big gun" heart medicine and to have another cardioversion. A three- or four-day stay it was to be. The arrangements were made.

I canceled them.

My mother, sisters, doctor brother-in-law, and I all discussed this insanity. It is a quagmire. Are we merely putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound? Is a second opinion warranted, even though it puts Mom through the stress of starting anew with tests and such? At her age, could she physically handle surgery to actually REPAIR the broken part of her heart? How many cardioversions and medications will she have to go through before she gets relief? Tentative plans are to meet with a new cardiologist. She is grateful we are all so involved in being sure she receives the best of care.

But why doesn't holding her hand in mine fix her heart?

"Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts." ~Author Unknown