IMPERFECT SPEAKER~Self-Portrait Challenge, October, Week 3

Anyone who looks at me in my real world sees a confident and exuberant woman who is easily able to converse with anybody and everybody. I think I carry myself well, and I am genuinely delighted when I can make people smile or laugh and gab to me.

But lurking beneath that overtly outgoing and sometimes outspoken exterior is someone who is positively terrified of public speaking. It sends me into a minor panic if I think I will find myself in a situation requiring me to speak before a group of people, however large or small.

Because of my dreaded fear, I have successfully gotten myself out of being a PTO president, a guest on two television news shows, speaking at an awards presentation, and the chairman of a local children's hospital benefit group (although I chaired the annual bazaar for our group, because minimal public speaking was involved), among various other functions.

I hid my reason for turning down those requests to all except the school principal. He was stunned to learn that I trembled even thinking about addressing a group of people. He pointed out that I had always offerred suggestions, cracked jokes, added needed information, etc., at PTO meetings, so he was puzzled by my fear.

And that is the problem. I do very well voicing my opinion when I feel it is necessary. I take risks (as far as potentially embarrassing myself) by making jokes to large or small crowds of people. Maybe the critical difference is that I speak when I choose to, not when the time is chosen FOR me.

In high school when speech class was a required course, I was a mess leading up to my turn to stand before my peers and speak. Yet, I got an A in that class. One speech I recall as if it happened but yesterday. Our assignment was to present a persuasion speech about any topic we wished. We were being graded on many different aspects, not solely the content of the speech. The teacher had a legal-sized grading sheet she was using to check off whether or not we met each requirement. I gave my speech, complete with the feeling that I was going to be sick. After it was over, the teacher handed me that long form. No check marks were on it. All that was written diagonally across the entire page was, "A+...WOW."

I have given telephone interviews without batting an eye. Ah, but over the phone is so very much easier. My throat does not clutch while I speak during those times. I have written speeches for others to read. And they do. My words are not a problem. I am the problem. I am so afraid. I just hide the fear from others. And I do not think I can ever get past my fear. I know I CAN do it, but I do not want to. No, I do not want to.

(October's Self-Portrait Challenge theme is: "Look beyond the surface of your life, dig into your imperfect self and reveal it to us. I want to see the down and dirty you, the messy, gross and ugly you, the side of yourself that you always try to hide, give us some insight into your dreadful secrets. This can be your physical self or your personal space or within your wider life. Be not afraid!")