#@*&($!+% (Repost from my former journal)

Thursday, January 27, 2005
7:17:00 AM EST
Feeling Happy
Hearing Sex and Candy~Marcy Playground

#@*&($!+%

::my entire body shudders violently as my head thrashes back and forth, my fingers entwine in my hair trying to still the movement:: Whew! That was a rough flashback. I have those on occasion. I am always glad when they pass. What is it I am recalling that causes me such anguish? Birth control methods. Yep, birth control.

I naively skipped off to my gynecologist's office to be put on the birth control pill one month prior to my marriage. With my soon-to-be hubby just starting college, we decided we should wait until he had his degree before children were to be considered. No problem. Yeah, right. I took the tiny little pill each day and felt quite comfortable knowing I would not have to worry about any unplanned pregnancies.

Flash forward two months. Picture me with the migraine from hell. Picture me lying on the bed literally trying to hold both sides of my skull together from the axe that was desperately trying to split my head in two. Hey, I was a migraine professional. I was used to them, because I had had them since my teen years. They were no fun, they cramped my style, they hurt, and I did not like them. However, I could suck 'em up with not too much of a disturbance in my routine. EXCEPT FOR THAT DAY. Oh my God. I would have had to rally to die. The pain was the most awful pain I could possibly have imagined. Hubby knew this was not my normal reaction to a migraine. He called my long-time family friend doctor who told him to bring me in immediately. Poor little me was taken into the office to be examined. I do not remember very much of the visit except when he asked me if I was taking any medications. I said, "Nothing except the birth control pill." Uh oh...wrong answer. Doc was not a happy camper hearing that. Apparently migraine sufferers should avoid taking THE PILL. Oops. I didn't know. He said something about the potential for strokes and other equally unpleasant side effects I could have had. He told me never to take it again. Then he whipped out a huge needle you could have basted a turkey with and jammed it into my butt. Hubby's parting instructions were to take me straight home...not to stop anywhere...straight home and get me into bed. Alrighty.

I was feeling pretty darn happy by the time we reached our apartment complex.I had no pain in my head at all. It did not matter to me that my head was the size of a hot air balloon. I floated up the flight of steps to our apartment door only to notice the neighbor just across the hall from us had moved out and left her door open. I just had to sneak a peek in there to see if it looked like our apartment. I made it maybe five feet past the door when I thought I was going to pass out. I grabbed hold of hubby's arm and told him to get me to bed right away. He quickly unlocked our door and led me inside. Oh, figures...I had to tinkle. I went, but I couldn't feel any of my limbs, so I told hubby he had to flush the potty. While he was doing that, I entered the bedroom and sprawled across the bed~shoes and all. I think he undressed me, but I do not really remember. (Wait, he's a man...I was helpless...let's get real, he probably at least copped a feel.) I woke up once long enough to yell out for something I could use to barf in. Hubby appeared with a bowl which I promptly filled. ::laughing at how gross I am:: I never woke up again until the next day. God only knows what was in that shot, but it was strong.

That left the two of us with quite a dilemma. If I couldn't take the pill, then we had to find some other means of contraception. The rhythm method is cute, but it isn't exactly very effective. It was ruled out. I suggested condoms. I was promptly shot down. Okay, okay...I told him I would go to the gynecologist and see what he suggested. I made an appointment and went to his office. I received a stern lecture for not telling him about my migraine history. I pathetically explained I was unaware migraines were considered a health condition. Doc and I discussed various birth control options. The diaphragm was decided to be my best choice. Yay! I had something he felt was effective. He gave me one with the instructions, and I went home all content with my new pregnancy-prevention gadget.

Oh dear Lord. I would have rather had a brood of 12 children than to go through the diaphragm experience again. For those who are not familiar with it, it looks like a big rolled-up condom, except the sides do not unroll. It is a disk with a lip around it. You have to put this messy gel around the lip, then bend the disk in half to put it inside of you. Once inside wherever the hell it goes, it springs open and prevents the sperm from swimming anywhere except into that rubber wall. You have to leave it in place for a set amount of hours after sex, because the fishies lurk just waiting for you to accidentally remove the diaphragm too soon, enabling them to head right for that come-hither egg. This thing was a mess. I despised it. Every single time I used it, I had difficulty. It was next to impossible to hold onto the damn disk when there was all that gooey, slippery gel on the part you HAD to hold onto to bend the dumb thing.

One evening I wanted to have sex, so I slipped off to the bathroom to begin the wrestling match between me and the dreaded diaphragm. I wanted it in place so when hubby was ready for bed, I could surprise him and jump his bones. All pleased with my planning, I began the process of applying the gel to the rim of that contraption. I carefully bent the disk and ::boing:: it sprung out of my fingers and onto the floor. Okay. That happens. I tried a second time and ::boing:: up into the air and down onto the floor. By this time, I was getting pretty agitated. I am not a quitter, and I sure was not going to let some little round rubber thing get the best of me. I applied more gel to the rim (after wiping up all the stupid gel from the floor) and very, very carefully bent the diaphragm in half. Yes, yes...this time it was so very close to my body when ::BOING:: it shot out of my fingers, went flying away from me, and stuck itself to the ceramic tile wall inside the bathtub. I was livid. I peeled it off the wall, and once again made the attempt to insert it. It went in, it went where it was supposed to, but I was in a horribly foul mood. I left the bathroom, and these were the exact words I said to my husband (you can use your imagination to guess the tone in which they were said): "We ARE having sex tonite whether or not you want it, and you WILL enjoy it. I just spent forever trying to put in this stupid diaphragm. I hate this thing." We had sex. I think he was scared not to.

Oh, by the way, we switched to condoms shortly after that nite. ::grin::

Today's quote:

"I rely on my personality for birth control." ~Liz Winston