WITH HIM BEFORE LOSING HIM~September SPC, Week 3

This self-portrait of me with "someone" is incredibly difficult for me. It is the last photograph that was taken of me with him before his death. He passed away 12 days later. My father. The very first man who ever loved me. Unconditionally and profoundly.

The celebration was Christmas Day, 2001. He was in a nursing home, and I had made arrangements for a special type of bed/chair to bring him to their lovely dining room that had been so festively decorated. On Christmas Eve, I laid out the clothing for the aides to dress him in the following day. Navy blue pants. White turtleneck. White sweater with navy blue woven around the v-neck.

Come Christmas Day, Daddy was brought into that beautiful dining room. A fire was burning in the fireplace, snow was falling and could be seen through the windows of the French doors. All four of us daughters, our husbands and children, and Mom were gathered there. We knew it would be his final Christmas; hospice had said his death was mere days away. Our hope was for him to be a part of the holiday he so very much loved. He had been Father Christmas to all of us for countless years.

We brought in a sea of gifts. We wore smiles when we really felt like wearing tears. He was greeted with hugs and kisses and more hugs and kisses. The lone words he spoke the entire time were, "Is it, honey?" when my sister pointed to the windows and said it was snowing. We had to open the gifts for him. We had to do all the talking. We wanted it to feel like Christmases of the past. To bring a bit of the holiday magic to him. And then, when the last of the packages had been unwrapped, fatigue overtook him, and the aides returned him to his room to rest his failing body.

The film in my camera (I had no digital camera back then) was developed soon afterward, but I refused to look at the pictures until earlier this year when one of my sisters begged me to scan them and email them to her. Grief riddled my body as I looked at each one. A much-loved man so close to death. It was impossibly painful to see impending death hovering over his features. There was one photo of my mother kissing him on the lips, and I dissolved into wracking sobs upon seeing it.

Daddy was, is, and always will be my hero. No man will ever be able to affect me with the same magnitude that he did. His brilliance was not only in his intelligence, integrity, and kindness, but also in his ability to make all those around him better people. He was simply the best of the best. And I continue to love and miss him with each passing day, season, and event.

And so, I submit this final portrait of Daddy and me. It has been altered with a filter to not only protect his privacy...but also to preserve his dignity. He deserves that.


(The SELF-PORTRAIT CHALLENGE theme for September is ‘with someone‘ month - that means you must include someone else in your self portrait. Someone meaningful to your life or to the moment or to a specific event that you wish to document.

Guidelines: 1. each week in the month use a different person in your self portait. 2. either talk about that person or illustrate in the photograph why you have included them and how they are meaningful.)